Over the past week I have been to ten different states. The east coast is a beautiful place. I always talk about going out west. But for now, I am content traveling up and down this breath-taking coast. There are wonderful people around here who love going outside, laughing and digging deep.
My writing has transformed. Instead of writing compulsively and anxiously, I write with calm peace. I write when I want to, not because I have to. As I drove into North Carolina with my friends I could feel the last dregs of that kind of worrisome living slip away. With each song and each fit of laughter I felt my whole world drift off. In came a new openness. It felt clean, true, sky blue and bright yellow.
I made it back to my home a few days ago, exhausted and a completely new person. This afternoon, I was lucky enough to attend a lunch where one of my heroines, Cheryl Strayed spoke.
Cheryl Strayed wrote Wild, a New York Times Best Seller that pulled in readers from many different audiences. Today, she gave a talk about her story.
Her story and mine are very similar. She lost her mother at a young age. I lost my father around the same time. Here is one of her essays I have cited before, called “The Love of My Life“. Some critics have issues with her style. However, her story is unapologetically honest and raw. And that is what I respect most.
It is not her incredible prose or her use of semi-colons that draws me in, it is her ability to unite people around a common story. Through Wild and her talk today she has been able to create inviting, warm spaces.
During the talk today, I was able to ask her a few questions on her writing background. We had a little back and forth which was fun. But soon after me, there were multiple people who tried to express their gratitude towards her. They barely asked questions. Nonetheless, they fumbled through emotional words and tears to express to her how much her story resonated with them.
It is easy to word vomit, just like it is easy to finger paint all over a canvas. But Cheryl Strayed does more. She creates uniting, meaningful and vulnerable stories. I try and do the same in my work on this little blog I have created.
I never thought of myself as a writer. I never even thought of myself as someone who would ever have a blog, and I mean ever. But here I am clicking away, a few months into the process.
The whole process has allowed me to connect with thousands of people who have similar stories. On my drive back up to the land of the living (NYC) I received a text from someone I had never met.
His name is Cooper Couch and I was supposed to stay at his house in Middlebury, VT during my WFR course in early February. But, I had an episode and that fell apart completely. See the post “dissociate.“.
We kept in touch and he shared his story with me. Cooper has lost both his parents and is diagnosed as bipolar. We have never met, but I feel a strong connection to him nonetheless.
Sitting as one of the only men among two hundred women today, I mulled over his story in my head. There was something there. There was something greater that connected me, Cheryl Strayed, Cooper and all the women in that room.
Here is part of his story. Friends are the most important thing in the world. They are the answer to all issues in my life. They are the best drug/medication/therapy in the world. And I am lucky enough to have lots of great ones.
Needless to say, I’ve gone through a lot of stuff people would never know about, and Middlebury still felt like a very isolating place. However, through allowing myself to be vulnerable and talk about these things with other people and have compassionate, meaningful conversations, I have discovered that so many students have some kind of baggage – whether they acquired it while at school or brought it in from home. The only problem is that it’s really difficult to get people to open up. How has time for that? No. Who makes time for that?Which brings me back to my friend…I felt like he was the only person at Middlebury who understood. Understood what it’s like to struggle with the all too often invisible challenges associated with anxiety, depression, addiction and grief – all at the same time, day in and day out. However, he also knew how to fight back. In spite of the demanding coursework, he took the time to listen. He took the time to smile. He maintained eye contact. He welcomed vulnerability with open arms and respected it. He wasn’t afraid to share, and he wasn’t ashamed of his past decisions. He seemed to know when it was appropriate to share and feel his emotions, and always found the positive in any situation. That phrase “sending you good vibes” was his way of sharing his light to whomever he came into contact with. Ian Cameron made a lasting impact on my life in the short time that I knew him, and I hope that by spreading good vibes when I can I am also living a life that radiates light.
Last night, I got off the phone with one of my friends who grew up in Mumbai. He might have to leave the country. It is barely under his control at all. We have great conversations about fate and its intersection with individualistic determinism in the United States.
All too often we, as a culture, leave each other on islands to deal with our own issues. But today and the last few weeks, I have been surrounded by hundreds of little islands all melting together.
Today, I was the only man in a room full of women. They asked my mom how she dragged me to the lunch. I told them, I dragged her.
We are all connected. My story might be different from the middle aged woman who loves yoga and sparkly jewelry. But there are pieces of my life that are inextricably similar to theirs. Cheryl Strayed made a great point today. Her story is riddled with addiction, heart break and death. Everyone experiences these things. And if you haven’t already, you will.
There are moments in life where we have to make it through something we could never think was possible. That is the deepest part of human experience. Believing that you can make it through the absolute impossible.
We all have had to bear something that we cannot bear, that we know we cannot bear. And yet, we have to bear it.
-Cheryl Strayed
Life is filled with impossible moments. Yet most of us seem to make it through just fine. My life became infinitely easier when I started sharing my story with my friends and family. And I am not talking about how my day went. I am talking about addictions, suicidal thoughts, gritty details and nasty moments.
Sharing just half of your story is bright and cheery. And if you can make it through your life by slapping on a smile and basking in the sun, I applaud you. Those dark moments are what have defined me. Right after my father died, I was not able to face the light.
It took me time to realize that my life was worth it. It took me time to respect myself enough that I can move on and live a happy, fulfilled life. Because the most courageous thing I have ever done is not enduring the tough moments. The most courageous thing I have done is to share my story, publicly and fearfully.
That has allowed me to connect with people like Cooper, Cheryl Strayed, women at a lunch, parents, friends, family and everyone else who has ever struggled through something.
We are living in a crazy time. Everywhere I go, the political circus comes up. And it seems like almost every other day, there is another terrorist attack.
The best thing we can do is to remain brave enough to stand by our values. Laughter is the best medicine in the world. Good friends are the secret to life. Music, dancing and singing at the top of my lungs are what get me through it.
It has been twenty five years since Cheryl Strayed lost her mom. But in the talk today, her mom came up countless times. My Dad comes up all the time. If you have ever spent time with me, you know I laugh loud.
My laugh is what keeps my Dad alive everyday. And I like to share it with as many people as I possibly can. I learned it from him and I can hear him every time I really get into a fit.
I live by a simple theory. If people do not appreciate me or are hurting me, I do not spend time with them. My boundaries are clean. I like to laugh, dance and listen to music. Because at the end of the day, when there are only a few moments left, that is what I find myself doing.
The time we have with each other is precious. Revel in the sweet sound of your friends cracking up over a stupid joke you made. It might be the best thing you ever do today. Resilience is not limited to your own body. Share it with the people around you. Your web is strong, you might just not know it yet.
I’ll leave you with a song that was a wonderful soundtrack to over thirty hours in a car.
peace, love and best friends,
CR
P.S. Happy World Bipolar Day
FUCK the stigma around mental health.
Adventures of a Little Boy 