Most of what I talk about has to do with bipolar disorder. I gain a lot of strength from connecting people with mental health issues. It makes me feel less alone and is super fun. The only way to beat the stigma surrounding mental illness is to share it fluidly and courageously with your loved ones. This blog has taken that to another level. Most of my secrets and struggles with mental health are on here. I have written many words on the topic.
But today, a friend send in a piece where they deal with anxiety. They have a great perspective on the whole issue. Mental health is not something we are taught. Most of the time, we are left to our own devices to figure out how to deal with annoying voices or nervous ticks. Here are some thoughts from a very generous and courageous person.
Trigger warning: Soo, heads up. The next paragraph contains a panic attack (devoid of self-harm, which I have never experienced) that occurred in Dunham. Good news is that the rest of this piece will make sense without the second paragraph. No judgement if you want to fast– forward a little bit.
I was standing in the third floor bathroom dry heaving one night, as if anxiety itself was knocking the wind out of me again and again. I leaned against the frame of a stall as my diaphragm convulsed again. My thoughts were racing so quickly that I could barely experience one before the next one came; I felt them all, I couldn’t hang onto one. I made that sickening, heaving noise again. In a panic attack, I just dry heaved, again and again until I caught my breath, slowed my breathing, and went back to bed. This used to happen a couple of times a year, a month, a week, a night.
Anxiety was interfering with my ability to learn in class, concentrate on conversations, enjoy what I was eating, and sleep soundly. I knew that I needed to relax. I knew that I needed to sleep. I just didn’t know how to do so.
If you had asked me, I would have told you that I was just really stressed out about a long paper; which was true, but definitely not the whole truth, though I did know it at the time. I was hesitant to start though, because if I didn’t know the outcome, then how could I begin? How much time would I waste?
I was hyper-focused on this paper. I wanted to solve the puzzle, to write the paper, so that I could go back to a laid back, outgoing guy. I hoped that if I wrote this paper, I would go back to being closer to whom I wanted to be.
Also, I was spending a lot of time playing with labels and planning. How could I be ___? Was I ____? Should I be ____? What did it mean to be _____?
I had seen a psychologist about what would later be dubbed academic anxiety. She told me that if I exercised more, listened to some relaxing music, and ate chocolate, I would be OK.
Yet I went to see another psychologist because:
- talking to people helped me to learn more about myself
- something needed to change
(My thoughts on psychology could easily be another post. Basically, if your college offers counseling services included in the price of tuition, you might as well go. l got more out of it than another episode of Netflix. And visiting the counseling center helped me work through some dilemmas – big and small.)
Men – If we aren’t supposed to stop and ask for directions when we’re driving, we’re probably less inclined to ask for help with our emotions. A lot of what we’ve learned about being men is not conducive to talking about our own emotions or asking for help. Many boys grow up in an environment where talking through their feelings with their friends or parents was grounds for being called a pussy. We’ve learned that men are supposed to be tough, strong, stoic individuals from our older peers, through TV shows, movies, classrooms, and homes. Sociologists (and a bunch of other academics) refer to the societal norm about how men should behave as heteronormitive masculinity (a lot more could be said about this topic – scholars spend years studying it).
Facing anxiety and fears by asking for help takes courage, takes balls, and is beneficial in both the short and long term. Some folks keep running from anxiety or stress in the hope that it goes away, which it might for a bit until their schedule changes and gets more stressful again.
Finding a psychologist can be kind of like speed dating; one might have to meet a few in order to find a good match. In the words of the last one I saw, there are as many psychological styles as there are psychologists. I have been to a couple of different doctors and learned from each before meeting the one that I worked with the longest. I have had professionals try to help me logically and emotionally, by listening and talking, and by challenging and supporting me. One “talk therapist” or psychologist should not speak for the profession.
I am happy I sought help. I am happy that I talked to psychologists, to family, to friends, wrote and reflected. I learn more about myself by slowing down and putting thoughts into words and by exploring the ideas of others. And despite dealing with more stress than I did as a college student, I have not had a panic attack in a while. My anxiety is not cured, but my ability to live with it has improved significantly.
I just wanted to say thank you to this person for spending the time to share their knowledge on the issue. Anxiety is something that goes hand in hand with my depressive phases. However, I have never had a panic attack.
This post hits the nail on the head. Reaching out for help is hard, especially when you are born into heteronormative masculine ideals. It is even harder when the psychologist you are seeing isn’t that great of a fit for you. It is so hard to find a perfect match. If you think therapy isn’t for you just because of that one time you went, maybe think again.
It is so helpful to have someone in your life who is on your team and can walk you through your demons with you. Therapists offer the most objective sounding board you will have on your life. The important thing I have learned is that therapy helps. Try it.
But the work doesn’t stop by just showing up. To really thrive, you have to put in work. You have to prioritize your mental health and make effective steps to cradle it in your hands like a little baby. Therapists and medication will help you, but they are just the beginning. Dare to fill in the rest of your story. It could be really really awesome.
I’ll leave you with a sweet JB/Selena mashup. #tooreal
peace, love and daring greatly,
CR
Adventures of a Little Boy 